This post was originally written on February 21st, 2017.
8 years ago today, my wife, Kayla went into labor 8 1/2 months into her pregnancy due to a “weird feeling”. We were nervous, but excited about the arrival of our son, Levi Joseph Massey. There was a complication with his life support internally while he was still in the womb and by the end of the evening we had lost our son and we would not have the opportunity to raise him, to teach him about life, or to watch him wrestle with his big brother, Ryan.
The human body of a female carries between 9 and 10 pints of blood, and due to a placental abruption, my wife, Kayla lost between 7 and 8 of those pints. After about 14 hours of pumping plasma and blood back into Kayla’s body, the doctors told us that if she had arrived 15 minutes later to the hospital that there was no way she could have lived.
In the last 8 years, we have had the honor of raising our oldest son, Ryan, and raising our youngest son, Ryder. My wife is healthy and alive, and our marriage is stronger than it has ever been.
Why would I share this story with social media? To get attention? No. To get remorseful comments from others? No.
I share this story because I want to encourage others who may be suffering in the same way.
My wife and our family went through hell when we lost our son. It brought heart ache, it brought challenges to each one of us that nearly crushed our marriage.
But…..Today…..I am thankful for the suffering. Because the suffering has played a part in shaping Kayla and I into the man and woman that we are today. It has taught us what long suffering with your spouse should look like. It taught us what community with others looks like and how to love and serve others before yourself when their life is falling apart. In spite of my personal preferences(that my son would have lived and still be alive today), I trust God the Father, as in…God, the One who Created the universe in 6 days, and the One who loved so much that He sent His Son Jesus (the Messiah) to provide life to those who are dead, life for those who are hurting and feeling alone and hopeless. Life for the broken, for the drug addict, the prostitute, the sexual deviant, the liar, the hypocrites, and republicans, the democrats, selfish money lovers, the thieves, the drunks, the atheists, the agnostics, the people questioning their sexuality, the “Christians” who think they are better than everyone else, the sonless mom’s, the absent dads, the abusers, and the ones who are ready to just give up and end it all. There is life available for all of us. This life has given me hope and a promise. Part of that promise, though not the main focus, is that I will get to see my son again some day because I have received and felt the love of the Father, and the life that has been extended to me through the the perfect and complete work of Jesus and His sacrifice on a bloody cross when He died in my place to pay the price for my sin, my darkness, and my rebellious depravity. For my thinking that I can get this thing called “life” done by myself through my own efforts.
I am grateful for the suffering, because I know that God is sovereign, and that God is faithful, and that nothing happens without Him allowing it to, and I know that as much as it has hurt, He is wiser, and smarter than I am and knows what is best. I know that this part of our lives has been used and will continue to be used to love and serve others when they are in the midst of their suffering.
I know that I am better equipped to relate to and to talk to others who have suffered loss and pain because I have suffered loss and pain. I can talk about the hope, love, and peace of the Father that only comes through Jesus because I know first hand what it feels like. I can say, that there is joy in suffering because I have felt joy in suffering.
I can say this with confidence because I have searched for comfort and peace through so many other things in my life, whether through people, pornography, friendships, family members, music and art, etc…EVERY ONE of those things failed me and was never enough to heal or bring a lasting peace or comfort. It was only when I finally said “ok, God, I’m done, you take over” did I find a lasting peace. 8 years later, I still feel hurt and feel sadness that my son is not present with me today. But I also feel strength and can remain stable and at peace because I trust God the Father and because He has proven to me time and time again through many seasons of suffering that He is close and not far. That He is wise and that He works all things together for the sake of revealing His glory to all people, and I want my life to be a reflection of His goodness to others, and I want my life to be lived out in a way that makes Him famous and that makes Him look amazing. So He gets all the credit for the health of Kayla and I’s life.
I believe that every day is a part of God’s story and plan to reveal His power and glory to the World, and I know that He has chosen me to be a part of His story, and I am honored to fill my role in it. I trust Him because He is trustworthy, and though I do not understand all of His ways and reasons right now, I know that I will someday, and then it will all make sense. But for now…I just trust Him….It has certainly been better than trying to control everything myself…Because trying to do my own thing never works out well for me. 🙂
If you are suffering and need hope, I know a guy…His name is Jesus.
It’s not a building, it’s not a group of people, and it’s not a weekly church service. It’s just…..Jesus. Sure, those other things have their place and parts to play, but they are not the answer. They should be pointing TO the answer :)
I have never used my story to pressure or manipulate people to “change their ways”, or “change their beliefs”. I have and always will simply tell my story (when necessary), including the part about who the Hero of the story is, and then I’ll let you work out the changes in your own timing. I will always use my story as an opportunity to love others well, to meet them where they are at without an agenda or any expectations, and just simply encourage them that if they are running out of options in life, I would love to sit down with you and just listen to your story, and then if you’d like, I can point you to a great option that offers a solution. Just ask me about it sometime…..
